Why and How Donuts Ended Communist Domination

Happiness is often a fleeting notion that is pursued more than it is enjoyed. But once you find it, which nearly everyone will because you learn to love what you have, you'll understand why the pursuit was so important. I have found happiness, and I am grateful for the pursuit. Partly because all that pursuing probably burned a few calories. Probably, I don't know. I don't need a reason to eat donuts.

Oh and they are DONUTS, not doughnuts. Donuts are purely American, no other nation can claim spelling rights. And what's more American than a company (who also tried to mess with the word "dunking") dictating conventions like proper spelling?!

They are the American dream of unnecessary spending and general gluttony. They come in every type and flavor imaginable: deep fried, covered in icing, filled with cream or all of the above. They are customizable to the point that anyone will find something they love about donuts if they look long enough. 

And they saved the capitalist world from impending communism.

I'm going to take a small break from being happy about donuts and focus on the opposite of awesome American gluttony: Communism. Communism first became a powerful idea after Karl Marx published his Communist Manifesto along with Das Kapital. I have nothing against Marx, he had a vision for a Utopian society in which people could work together as equals in a way that avoided poverty completely. This Utopian idea is known as Socialism. In an insultingly quick summary of an entire dense philosophical career, I will turn Socialism into two sentences. There is a natural conflict in capitalism, between the factory workers and the capitalists who own those factories. Instead, all people should be workers because they are the only ones who give anything beneficial to society.

But much like my attempts at playing any sport in existence, a nice idea was turned sour when put into practice. 

I don't know how anyone ever trusted that mustache

Josef Stalin took the idea of Socialism and put it into practice in Soviet Russia. The problem is that the class struggle between workers and capitalists was not cured, but simply replaced by a class struggle between workers and a cruel dictator. But Socialism also fails even when the leader isn't pure evil. Well that's up for debate but I won't tackle that issue. 

Mao Zedong took over China after a long, confusing war against the inaptly named People's Republic of China that ruled for only a few decades. Mao Zedong promised the people what they've always wanted, and what Socialism could probably never give them. He promised them freedoms such as the freedom of speech, religion, and the freedom to hold demonstrations. Of course, this was quickly proven false, but Socialism was proven a faulty system later in his career. 

The main issue with managing such a large country of Socialist workers was getting them all fed. Under his version of Socialism, Mao assigned the workers to certain roles regardless of that individual's skills and interests. This seems slightly problematic, but let me give you a few examples that prove just how completely ridiculous this plan was.

Many workers who have had no experience farming were sent to Central China so they could farm. The land was pretty infertile and the workers were not very educated, so the process was pretty unsuccessful. What do I mean by unsuccessful? I mean they didn't make nearly as much as they thought, but under Socialism they weren't allowed to eat the small amount they made. So there was a huge shortage of food in general and most of those farmers starved. They were surrounded by food they weren't allowed to eat!

Now let's move back to Russia. The age of Stalin fell by the 1950's, but this new Soviet system wasn't much better. When the communist domino fell all over Asia and Eastern Europe during the Cold War, The Marshall Plan was enacted to contain the threat. In this plan, destroyed European countries borrowed tons of money to rebuild entire cities. This money was also spent on American goods, to encourage capitalism as much as possible. You better believe I'm talking about those gluttonous, deep fried goods that funnel happiness into my soul. 

Western European nations bought all of our fun consumer goods and capitalism prospered. It wasn't the solution to the Cold War, since the true battle became the nuclear arms race that will occur very soon after the Marshall Plan. But this enabled capitalism in a more direct way than ever before. The least you could say is this mass consumption of American goods is what made the 1950's so amazing for American business. It's what led to the creation of suburbs, the middle class, and the realization of the American Dream. 

Socialism ultimately failed because they didn't think like true donut-lovers do. People were assigned to necessary stuff like farming and steel production. But the farming was insufficient and the steel was just... really bad steel! Like how do you expect a man uneducated in steelmaking to make anything other than really bad steel?

Capitalism solves that because people make whatever they want to make. They respond to the needs of the country and there are never situations like Chinese farming/steelmaking incident. The hungry are fed and the necessities in life are satisfied. And because the people who make those things are so passionate, there is room for unnecessary stuff. Cue the third picture of donuts! Because even when it comes to pictures of the stuff, we love overabundance. 

Why Everyone was Meant to be "Fat"

There is a generally held belief that being fat is bad for you. Obesity leads to heart disease, diabetes, and disorders of nearly every important organ in the body. But not all fat people are obese, there is just a much broader terminology for "fat" now, thanks to American advertising. 

Models in America have taken on a whole new meaning than what the profession was initially designed for. A model of any object is designed to represent what the rest of those objects will be like. If a model car, meaning the ones you see in the commercials, didn't look anything like the one you bought at the dealership, then you would feel betrayed and unsatisfied. And that's exactly what the majority of Americans are feeling about their body. 

Americans see these models that are intensely skinny and airbrushed to seem perfect, and assume that's what beauty is. Another role of models is to make a statement about what should be considered physically appealing. Americans have learned to strive to be skinny, and fear any hint of fat on your body. But this is worse than obesity, it's even more dangerous. 

Fat is good for the same amount of reasons it's bad. It is a source of energy, so people feel awake and eager throughout the day. It keeps your body functioning at the best possible degree, if you are neither skinny nor obese. Be "fat," you know...

Opposed to skinny

Israel actually placed a ban on models that are as skinny as that woman, because it's dangerous for everyone's health. The model is starving herself, and the people who read the magazine she is in will try to starve themselves too. 

All right, now that I'm done my rant, let's get to the history. If you've read my stuff, you know I'm fascinated by African culture, so of course we're starting there.

In Nigeria, obesity is a sign of power because it shows how much food you can afford, as well as how much exercise you don't have to do. The overweight women are also celebrated because it is presumed that they will give birth to, as well as raise children better. Food is celebrated for all the joy it brings and all the nutrition it contains. 

There is an ancient rite of passage that all girls must go through to be considered women. These teenage girls are placed in a "fattening room" and forced to eat and lounge all day for months. The girl eats yams, plantains, rice and beans for every meal in the hopes of making her fat. After remaining as still and as comfortable as possible, the girl comes out of the room a woman and is celebrated for her new physique. The culture is also very active and enjoys daily rituals of singing and dancing, so the women are rarely obese. They celebrate food for all the wonderful things it gives us, and therefore don't suffer from romanticizing it like we do. There is even a dancing ceremony immediately after the woman exits the fattening room, proud of her new appearance. Which, as you see, is far from obese.

Now let's move to the ancient land of abundance!

In ancient Egypt, abundance was the definition of power. Pharaohs were literally considered living Gods, and to prove their worth there were entire pyramids built in their honor. They didn't just enjoy wealth and slaves in abundance, but also food. 

Egyptians ate mostly wheat and vegetables, but tried to eat as much as they could for the same reasons Nigerians overate. Actually, this reasoning for overeating is the quintessential reason that nearly every society faces. 

Look to the sumo wrestlers of Japan, who were celebrities of their society because of their size. 

Look to the kings of ancient Rome. 

Look to the kings of Medieval England.

The rich overeat to prove that they can.

Can you imagine? What if the fattest Americans were idolized opposed to the skinniest? What if food wasn't some horrible necessity, but a beautiful gift of nature? Our fear of eating is what led to eating disorders, including... wait for it... over eating! 

We fear food, and so like an intimidating shadow, food becomes powerful in ways it shouldn't. When we do inevitably eat, we eat rapidly and eagerly like it's a beast we need to conquer. Then we still hope to be skinny like the models you see on TV. 

 

History is important for two reasons: We look to the successes in history and to the failures, and try to learn from both. So let's learn from the Nigerians, from the Egyptians, from the Romans and the English. Eat because it is a natural right. Eat because of the nutrients that keep you active. And if nothing else, eat because food is freaking awesome!

Why White People Are Aliens!

Okay, this may sound pretty crazy for a blog about history, BUT WAIT!

I'm going to go through some history until you can agree with me that white people are aliens.

Let's look at non-white societies first. When I say non-white societies I am referring to societies that were completely uninfluenced by Europeans. Because the Europeans are strange creatures that I will get to later.

There was Mesopotamia, a wonderful area between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers that was used primarily for farming. These people lived off of the land and had no society-ending issues, like, ever. Their society collapsed because nomads came in and took over. Nomads were travelling groups of people that often end their travelling by destroying a city and staying there. The key difference between them and traditional European whites is that they are satisfied once they no longer have to wander.

Things were pretty stable in America, since both continents were completely separate from everything that was ever going on in Europe. There were the Mayans, Incas, and Aztecs, who had crazy rituals and their leaders were generally despised by the whole population. Despite that minor issue, their societies survived for long amounts of time and empires fell from one to the other without repercussion. And there were still Native American "Indians" who lived in what is now North America. They didn't have any written language so there isn't any strong proof about what they did, but there are some crucial facts I'll bring up. They lived in small communities and hunted/gathered or farmed, depending on which area they lived in. Most importantly, they lived off the land but they didn't claim to own it. People lived with the land and shared it because they realized something important. Human beings are temporary and the Earth is pretty permanent, so we should consider ourselves guests. More on that later.

Then there were Ancient Egyptians, people living along the Nile River because the Nile River is completely awesome. By "completely awesome," I mean that there were reliably regular, yet not dangerous flooding, which naturally irrigated the farmland around it. Oh and they built a couple of these!

They lived for 2,500 years under God-like Pharaohs, and due to the completely awesome Nile they were set to live there forever. UNTIL...

Since Egypt was such a powerful society at this point, they were able to communicate with whatever else was going on at that time. This ability was very rare, and most of the human race were simply just doing their own thing at this time anyway. But a pharaoh named Hatshepsut decided to change things forever by opening up trade. How does that relate to white people? Just wait, me!

Hatshepsuts fatal decision ended the thousands of years of isolationism that Egypt was so good at. They used the Nile for everything and never felt the need to go or do anything else. Once Hatshepsut decided to interact with other societies, they were attacked by other societies, most notably Alexander the Great and the Romans.

We're white! All of us!

The Roman Empire was magnificent and contributed impressive feats of art, architecture and science. But their fault was that they got too lazy and greedy. In the coliseum, audiences paid to watch animals and men be slaughtered. These audience members also went home and celebrated great wealth and abundance to a horrible degree. There was a common trend in which people would eat a massive feast, then throw it all up so they could eat another feast. Their laziness and the empires unmanageable size led to German tribes breaking in and taking over. But why did they become this lazy? Because they're aliens? If you say so, me!

White people have a specific trait that no other race of humans contain. The only other race to travel the world were Asians like Zheng He who traveled the world in search of trade. The Silk Road was a giant system of trade across both Europe and Asia, but people never actually traveled the entire road. The goods traveled from merchant to merchant. No, the only travelers who travel in the desire of exploring the world were primarily... you know

 White people have this urge to leave that is not like any other race. They become bored with the life they have and strive to find some new exciting place. But they didn't realize that you will never be satisfied unless you find that excitement within yourself. Emerson said it best when he said "nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind."

Strong advice from a remarkably white man

    And we're still not satisfied! The explorers found the new world, inhabited it and utilized every possible opportunity given by the nature around us. And yet now we hate nature. The modern man is one who hides inside his house when it's too hot or cold. The modern man travels by flat roads to perfectly designed buildings to earn imaginary value to pay for the neverending need for satisfaction. The fastest cars, the biggest houses, the fanciest clothes, and the newest technology. And it's all because of one group of people that thought they could venture the world, exploring for a land of happiness and satisfaction because they couldn't find it at home. They are tearing the world apart in their unceasing exploration of contentment. Every other society worked with nature, because they belonged here. The race that was not meant for Earth must be the one that searched all over for contentment and, in not finding it, made their own.

You know...